"A Little Knowledge..."

"A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing in the wrong hands." Anonymous

For the last sixteen years I have worked as a nurse.  Fifteen of those years I spent in the operating room getting a good look at what crazy business humans sometimes have to endure.  Some of it our own doing, most of the time not.  Anyhow, when you work a job like that you are in a constant state of learning.  When I think of all the wild things that have passed through my brain and before my very eyes it's mind boggling.  Most of what you learn gets stored away for later use.  Every now and then it's brought to the forefront of your mind, usually, when someone you love and care about comes to you and says, "this is what's going on with me, what do you think?"  If you've been a nurse as long as I have you hesitate to answer.  You don't want to scare them, but at the same time you are thinking, "Oh no!!  Not that!"

Just yesterday, my darling daughter calls me on the phone and our conversation went something like this:
Kaysie: "Mom, I have pain in my left eye and my vision is blurred."
Me: "When did this start?"
Kaysie: "Well, I had it a little bit before I went to camp.  I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd make me stay home."
Me: (thinking to myself - Oh crap!): "Gee I wish you had told me.  I might have made you go a day later."
Kaysie: "So what do I do now?"
Me: "Go see the eye doctor." thinking all the while - what in the world can my mind conjure up?!
Basically, I went straight home, and found her on the sofa.  Her eye was a little red, but outwardly it looked ok.  My "Nurse Senses" were tingling and I could only think, well if it's been on an off for a week and I'm only hearing about it now, how bad could it be?!  (Oh maybe I didn't want to ask myself that question.)  I called the eye doctor and we got an appointment for today, which was pretty darned quick!  Thank goodness.  I must have sounded a little nervous.

While I was cooking dinner all I could think about was tumors and growths and what not.  I didn't think about the obvious, just the extraordinary.  I didn't want to think about those things, but I couldn't help it.  I prayed and asked God if he would take that worry away.  I also petitioned for prayers from my "family." I guess what I'm getting at is that before my "nursing knowledge" could get the best of me, I had to turn it all over to the one who is bigger than any of it.  Professionally, you can throw anything at me.  I don't panic and I'm not easily flustered.  Over the years I've been up to my armpits in "worst case scenario" moments in the OR, and never batted an eyelash.  But, where my child is concerned, I turn to mush on the inside.  "The Nurse Armor" remains intact on the outside, but sometimes my imagination and all that knowledge gets the best of me on the inside.  Then the "gentle hand" of the one who created us all comes down and the "still small voice" says "Stop it.  I've got everything under control."  Today He certainly did.
A simple case of eye strain.  Nothing a nice pair of glasses and minimal TV couldn't cure.  We dodged a bullet here and I am very thankful.  I am also grateful to all of our "family" who held us up in prayer and with words of love.  That's what got this tough, not quite old, nurse through.  Thank you all.  As for Miss Kaysie, she's back outside - running around being a kid with a summer full of plans!

Changes

 Remember that song by David Bowie "Changes"?  That was a big hit when I was a teenager.
     
                                  "I still don't know what I was waiting for
                                   And my time was running wild
                                  A million dead-end streets
                                 Every time I thought I'd got it made
                                 It seemed the taste was not so sweet..."


How many times in my life have I felt this way?  A lot.  You know things are about to spin you around in a different direction, yet you have your foot to the floor on the brake pedal doing everything you can to stop it, but you can't.  When your foot is on the brakes trying to stop the inevitable you go in the wrong direction, down the "wrong street".  Many times, like the lyrics say it's a dead end, so you have to back up and try again.  Then just when you think it's all good, you figure out that it's still not the right direction.  This has been my experience on more than one occasion.

I knew a while ago that my life was moving in a different direction.  It's exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time.  This time I decided rather than resist the change I would go with it, see where the road was going, listen to that "still small voice" and see what  God had in store for my life.  I've decided that in this instance it was better to coast along and let God do all the work.  Let Him carry me in the direction I needed to go, and even though it makes me a little uneasy, I know that I'm doing the right thing.  Paths are beginning to become clear and the pieces of this portion of my life's puzzle are beginning to fall into the proper places.  I am not afraid, there is no reason to be, because it's not me who is steering my life at the moment.

I read a wonderful book last fall called Fearless, by Max Lucado.  If you often feel fearful of the pieces of your life that seem out of your control or situations that make you feel anxious then this book will be a wonderful read for you.  I used be fearful of changes, because more often than not, they were not my doing.  I was also afraid of situations that I had no control over, flying for example. Actually, while I was reading that book I came to the realization that when God is in control of your life there is absolutely no reason to be fearful.  So , fast forward to now, changes swirling about me like a huge eddy in a river rapid and I am not afraid.  I can see the calm waters ahead and I know that if I keep paddling I'll get there.

Change is inevitable in all of our lives.  It doesn't have to be scary.  Change is what propels us forward on our journey.  What we need to realize is that God is behind the wheel.  His steering is true, and taking us in the right direction.  It's when we exert our free will and push that break pedal to the floor we get into trouble and head down the dead end street.  For me, I'm turning on the cruise control and enjoying the scenery along the way; it's been a beautiful ride so far.


      

Love

"Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude.  Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends..." 1Corinthians 13:4-8

Do you know what it means to love unconditionally?   Love - no strings attached.  The true kind.   When you say to someone "I love you" do you mean it?  Or are there conditions?  I will love you if...; I love you but....; I'll love you more when..... A very good friend of mine said to me just today, "That's not love, that's a bargaining chip."  There are no conditions when it comes to love.  There can't be.  Otherwise,  you will never feel like you live up.  You will be wearing yourself out trying to prove that you are worthy, and that's not right.  Everyone is worthy of love,no matter what, period.  We are fearfully and wonderfully created in God's image and He wants us to love each other, truly deeply and honestly.  No strings attached, because that is how He loves each of us.  Isn't that cool?  I think so.

When my friend says to me "I love you."  I know it is heartfelt and true.  I have no doubts.  It is such an uplifting feeling to know you are loved like that.  It makes me want to be a better person and return that love not only to my friend but to others as well.  I told my friend that I had never experienced that kind of love before and that I was incredibly touched by her thoughtful words and actions.  Truth be told the whole conversation overwhelmed me to the point of tears after I left her today.  She has been incredibly kind to Kaysie and I and I am humbled by the unconditional love she has shown us.

I would like to encourage you, my readers, to think about how you love others and yourself.  Do you place limits or conditions on your love, or do you love deeply, honestly and completely, without constraints?  The next time you say "I love you" to someone, let it come from your heart, fully and honestly.  It will mean so much more to you.  I promise.

Summer

Summer...no word in the English language puts a smile on my face faster than that particular word.  When I was a little girl Summer was magic.  I always played outside, but in the Summer the days were so much longer!  I didn't have to go to bed early and the neighborhood where I lived always had a good game of hide and seek and kick ball going on after dinner.   Summer meant that my mom ALWAYS had popcycles in the freezer and a pitcher of kool-aid at the ready.  She would write the names of the kids who were playing in our yard on dixie cups and we could come to the back door for a kool-aid refill any-time.  

Summer meant daily trips to the beach.  We had a little snack bar that sold cokes, crackers, candy and Italian Ice.  I loved the cheese Lance crackers that were like cheese it's.  The cups that the cokes came in were great for making sand castles.  There were a million shiny rocks on our beach and they made the best decorations for those sand castles.  If I was really good my mom might let me rent a raft for the day, and that was great because it meant I could be in the water ALL THE TIME!  We stayed all day most days.  Mom would pack up a picnic lunch and we would camp out.  Our family sport in the summer was Olympic Beach Sitting. Mom and her friends sat around and talked and played cards and us kids played.  No worries, just fun in the sun.

 

When you got too much sun, mom slathered zinc oxide on your nose, put a t-shirt on you over your bathing suit and you either kept right on going or you sat under the beach umbrella.  Our idea of sunscreen back in those days was Coppertone suntan lotion.  There were no numbers, well maybe there were.  I think the lotion was a "4" or an "8" and the oil was a "2".  Eight was as high as they went.  Oh the smell!!  To me, that is one of the best scents!  Gosh just open a bottle of Coppertone suntan lotion and breathe in the smell of summer!  To this day, that is one of my favorite scents.  Last summer when they announced that those lower SPF's were going away I went to Walgreens and Target and bought all the number 4 I could find.  I figure when that runs out, I'll be too old to care if I wear sunscreen or not.  I sat out the other day sans sunscreen - to a kid that grew up on the beach - I don't much bother with it unless I'm someplace where I might actually get burned.  Oregon is NOT that place, neither is Washington, remember we're famous for our sparkly vampires - need I say more?! I struggle to get a tan every summer.  If I wore 15 SPF I'd look the same as I do in the winter.  Forget that.  I digress....

Back to Summer.... corn on the cob, fresh tomatoes off the vines on my back porch and berries!!  I love, love, love the fresh foods of summer.  We have a berry farm about 15 minutes from our house.  You can pick and eat as many as you want.  We love to go and pick our own.  Then Kaysie and I get busy.  We make jam.  Last summer we made three different kinds, strawberry, raspberry and marrionberry.  I only have 2 jars of marrionberry left.  That's it! As the summer goes on we wait for the cucumbers to get ripe and then we make bread and butter pickles.  Those are so good, savory, and sweet at the same time.  One of my favorite tastes of summer.  I only have one jar of those left.  

The best part of Summer for me when I was a kid was NO SCHOOL!!  Now as an adult, I love watching my own daughter laugh and play.  We stay up late, have fun canning and do craft projects.  We take trips to the beach and the Dairy Queen on Saturday nights.  Life is good in the Summer.  I am ready!

Thanks Dad

Today is Father's Day.  I just got done talking to my dad.  I feel like I don't say "thank you" to him often enough.  So Dad, this post is just for you from me.
      When I was small my dad seemed so tall.  I remember being about 3 or 4 years old and just being fascinated by him.  We lived in a tiny little house that only had one bathroom.  I'd sit on the toilet seat and watch him shave.  It amazed me.  A lot of times he'd reach down and playfully plop a little dab of shaving cream on my nose.  When I was a little older, probably about 8, I was in Brownies. In those days the Brownie uniform had an orange tie that had to be tied.  It was dad who stood behind me and showed me how to tie my tie.  I can say with all honesty that I still know how to tie a tie and have even taught a couple boyfriends how to do the same.
      When I was a teenager we didn't always see eye to eye.  I did things I shouldn't have, like take the Jeep when I wasn't supposed to, or leave my job at his office because it was "an awesome beach day," but he always forgave me and let me have a second chance.  As a single parent of a pre-teen daughter I can see the incredible wisdom in second chances, even third chances.  Thanks Dad.
      As a young adult, I made some pretty stupid mistakes with finances and life choices.  My dad would shake his head and say "what were you thinking?"  Most of the time I didn't have an answer or thought better of answering, usually it was the latter because at the time I hadn't been thinking.  In the end, even when he didn't really want to, he always helped me out and tried his best to guide me to make better decisions.
      When I became a parent 12 years ago, he wanted me to wait.  He wanted me to rethink my decision.  It was a rocky few days.  Looking back on that now, he knew what I would be up against as a single parent.  It wasn't that he didn't want me to do it, he just knew how hard it would be, and still being the father, he wanted me to make sure that I knew what I would be facing.  After all I was living in a new city far from home and family.  When I placed Kaysie in his arms a few weeks later, it was all over.  All the harsh words and things said in anger evaporated and there he was Grand-dad Joe T with his little Kaysie girl.  Another Moore girl for him to love, and he has.
      Now here we are Father's Day 2012.  Thanks Dad.  Thank you for all of your wisdom, worrying and guidance.  Thank you for giving me some great qualities - your easy going nature, ability to roll with whatever is thrown your way, your love of spontaneity, your hearty laugh, your mad golf skills and love for the game, but most of all thank you for your generous loving spirit.  That will be your legacy Dad - through it all you loved me anyway.  I'm a lucky girl, and always a Daddy's Girl.  Happy Father's Day!

The First Good-Bye

Tomorrow is a milestone for my little family.  It will be the first time that I say good-bye to my daughter as I send her off for a week at music camp.  Most mothers I know have done this at least once in the last few years.  This is a first for us.  For the last 11 years my daughter has been right beside me, or at least within earshot of my voice.  Everyday is girl's day at our house and I've enjoyed pretty much, every minute.  What I know to be true is that God blesses us with our children "for a time."  That "for a time" could be anywhere from a few months to years.  If we, as parents, do our job, we teach our children the lessons that He wants them to learn as they grow up, and then one day we say good-bye.  This is the first of many good-byes for Kaysie and I.  I'm happy it's only for a week, but someday that week will stretch into months, when she ventures off to college, and then who knows, when she steps out into her adult life.  We've talked over the last few weeks about "what to do when...", and "how do I handle...".  These conversations, secretly, were mostly for my peace of mind, but I'm hoping that some wisdom got passed along too.

I've got a little case of "the nervous mom" butterflies.  I know that as I drive away tomorrow, I'll be a mess, but I need to just suck it up and do it.  I don't have to like it, but I definitely have to get used to it. It will make those bigger good-byes later on in her life a little easier.  I know in my heart that she'll be fine.  She'll be having one adventure after another next week.  I'll get to talk to her in the evenings, and learn about all the fun she's having.  I'm confident that I've done my job as her mom. She's a nice girl with a good head on her shoulders.  I'm hoping that my sadness at saying good-bye will be short lived.  I want her to get out there and experience life, and to live it to the fullest.  I will hug her and kiss the top of her head, and then I'll say good-bye.  It's only for a week...this time.

A Few of Life's Important Lessons

This week has been a week of lessons for me.  I have learned about patience of a different kind, of the God granted kind.  I should have recited the serenity prayer this week, because yesterday I totally lost mine, and looking back it was totally unnecessary.  You would think that I would know better than that, but being the fallible human that I am, I did not.  Lucky for me I have friends who are more than kind and patient at times like these, and they remind me EXACTLY who is in control, and thankfully it is not me.  If I had been driving a car I would have crashed and burned big time.  My friend told me that  I needed to relax that God was in control.  She was right.  She's right about a lot, let me tell you.  She has wisdom beyond her years!  We chatted and when I went off to bed I felt better.  That was lesson number two (God is in control).  Lesson number one was the day before when I took a bold step for me and submitted an offer on a house that I liked.  It would have been a wonderful place to live, however, that was not God's plan.  Lesson number three was accepting the disappointment of not getting what I wanted (The offer was not accepted).  Are you totally confused?  I hope not. Quick recap: Lesson number one: Step outside of your comfort zone and go for something that you want.  Lesson number two: God is in control; Lesson number three: Accept disappointment gracefully and refer back to Lesson number two.

Ok moving on.  I learned a few years ago that you need to ask for what you want.  So today I submitted my proposal to continue the employment relationship I have at my job from home, of course I mean my new home, wherever that ends up being.  While my boss was receptive she thinks the hospital administrator is going to shoot it down.   I  have decided to refer back to Lesson number two - again.  In fact, Lesson number two (God is in control) is a very important lesson, and that is my point.  We are not in control of our lives, God is.  He has a plan for everyone of us.  It was in place long before we were ever born.  He knew the exact day we would be born and He knows the day that He will call us home.  What we have to figure out is how to let go and let Him do what He needs to do fulfill that plan.  That doesn't mean that we can't have a little input.  As I am discovering everyday - it never hurts to ask for what you want or need.  If you don't ask you might miss out.

Something occurred to me as I left the hair salon this evening and that is I have lots to do in the next few months.  I have lots of loose ends to tie up or at least neaten up.  That would be lesson number four - finish the things that you start to the best of your ability.  It doesn't have to be perfect, it just needs to maybe have a little closure.  Then of course refer again to Lesson number two.

God is in control - the most important lesson in life.  I have decided that the sooner you learn that lesson the happier and more serene you will be.  Peace.